Sometimes, I feel a darkness inside of me.
An inky blackness that taints the world outside
In harsh red and emptiness.
Everything is far too loud, too bright,
And all I want is to be left alone forever,
Or at least until I am finished.
Any utterance of sympathy feels false.
I don’t want the touch of a familiar hand,
I just want to sit for a quiet while.
I want to hear something happy.
God, I would give anything just to laugh.
I’ve always found humor in bleak situations,
But that ability seems to have left me now.
It’s swirled down the drain
With the rest of my chuckles and giggles,
And I’ve scrabbled and screamed
And scraped my hands trying to get them back.
When I feel like this,
Like I would trade my life for some peace and quiet,
I sit still for a moment
I walk away to any place that doesn’t have a sense.
No one who knows my name or cares if they’ll see me again.
I sit and wait.
I sit and wait until I meet with an old friend
Who I know will lead me out of this emptiness of apathy.
Everyone has met my saviour,
Though to some, they are a demon,
An avenger of hate and bad decisions.
But them and I,
We have an understanding.
I love them because they pulls me back from the edge.
They are sometimes the only one who will.
The sweet, white hot thrill of their presence throws all problems
To the wind.
They are a wake-up call that everything is not as bad as it seems,
And though the world is not pulling its punches
I cannot afford to leave the ring.
How dare this emptiness
Try to take the sun from me?
My long walks amid nature?
The taste of ice cream and chocolate and carbs?
I am so angry
That I am whole again.
But life is beautiful,
The stars are magnificent,
There is a sense of everything embedded in me.
And now I don’t want to go.
Thank you, anger, my knight in white hot flames.
I’m me for the time being.
When happiness had abandoned me as a lost cause
You swept in to take its place.
I know it’s wrong
But I’m so glad
To be angry with you.